5. Traditionalist rabbis will blame the earthquake on intermarriage and/or mixed dancing.
4. Liberal rabbis will excoriate the Jewish community for failing to welcome earthquakes more proactively into our communities.
3. AIPAC will call on Congress to cut off all funding for the earth, which is clearly culpable for knowingly harboring quakes; J Street will insist it is both pro-buildings and pro-earthquake; the BDS movement will call for a boycott of the illegitimate apartheid Eastern U.S., for so brutally provoking the innocent earthquake.
2. Two dozen young Jewish professionals will write two dozen identical op-eds in Jewish newspapers and blogs, applauding the earthquake for shaking up our assumptions and traditional institutions, and asserting it did not go far enough.
1. Jewish philanthropists will give millions of dollars in startup grants to pay the young Jews from #2 to stomp on the ground.